


Experiment Logic v Emotion

by staranon



Series: Stellar Hunters [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, astroneer au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-02 08:22:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17260850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staranon/pseuds/staranon
Summary: Much has happened since the end of Expedition Wild West. Ryan has come to love three others. Ensigns Jeremy and Michael and the newly minted Lieutenant Gavin. But Gavin receives an offer to take a placement on the Queen's Fire, a decision that would take him away from the Hunter's Achievement and not to mention Ryan.Cue the age old battle of Logic versus Emotion.





	1. Run One: Logic

**Author's Note:**

> as part of my christmas prompts on tumblr, this is from anon who asked for scared, Ryan, astroneer
> 
> the second part will also be a response to a prompt that is the conclusion to this series

To say that Ryan refers logic over emotion is a bit of an understatement. Logic is rationality. It is objectivity. It is fact and reality and everything that Ryan knows to be true. He can trust in logic. Logic is dependable.

Emotion, however, is all the unexplained matters out in the universe. It is the outliers in a set of data. It is the part of human nature that Ryan doesn’t care to be bogged down by. If he could remove all that is emotional in him, he could. It makes him unpredictable. He doesn’t like not knowing himself. So when Gavin says one night at dinner that he’s received a request for transfer letter off of the Hunter’s Achievement to the Queen’s Fire, it’s with a spark of irrationality that makes Ryan want to leave in a huff.

Gavin is all a flutter that evening with his news. Michael and Jeremy are happy for him. It’s definitely a step forward for Gavin if he wishes to advances his career. Since passing his Lieutenant’s exam, he’s been putting in the hours to continue his training and research. With his dedication and drive, he could certainly make Commander in the next eight years or so and maybe become Captain by the time he’s in his forties, around the same age as Geoff when he was gifted the Hunter’s Achievement.

But to Ryan, the thought of Gavin leaving, packing up his things and supplanting his life here to begin a new one on the Queen’s Fire. Ryan could see how the situation would play out from there. They would try at the long distance relationships for a bit. Communication is no problem. Video calls and chat forums. But Gavin would settled into his new life there. He’d make friends, learn new things, and slowly he’d send fewer messages. He wouldn’t be able to make as many video calls. And then the inevitable would happen> They’d drift apart, and Gavin would leave them. The other three would carry on for a bit. They’d make it work until Jeremy and Michael came to the agreement that they’d need a change in scenery. They’d move on together and Ryan would retreat to his lab, and it’d be like nothing happened at all. It would be a moment in Ryan’s life that he would look back at fondly, clinically like he would any childhood memory. Nothing more. Nothing less.

He’s bad at making himself miserable. The only reason why he’s made friends with Geoff and Jack is because Geoff is too stubborn to back down from a fight, plus he has enough conversation in him for three people. Ryan is resigned to being a third wheel to their relationship for the rest of his days. He’s not meant for this. For a life of love. It’s a casualty in this line of work when you go where the work is and take transfers when you get them. Married couples and families could claim living quarters together, but it is still hard for those just dating or otherwise. Geoff and Jack are lucky because of their positions on the ship.

On his home planet of Corinthian, he could have found someone suitable to settle down with. Or he could’ve gone to the town matchmaker and be matched with a young lady looking to settle with a dependable bachelor like him. Romance isn’t coded into Ryan’s DNA, but sadness, frustration, and grief are.

“What do you think, Ryan?” Gavin asks, and he’s expecting an answer while Ryan looks down at his half eaten plate. “Should I take the plunge or stick around?” He says it so cheekily like the issue won’t completely destroy Ryan’s life.

Ryan doesn’t know what to think of Gavin’s announcement nor is he wanting to make a scene and be childish about this. He should be happy for Gavin. The Queen’s Fire is a prestigious ship. He would have a good life there

“I think it’s wonderful news,” he says, manages to speak around the lump in his throat. “Excuse me.”

He stands and takes his plate from the table and brings it to the wash station. Behind him, Jeremy and Michael launch into questions about the position, the ship itself, and what he would do if he took the position, and it makes Ryan feel nervous.

He doesn’t want to lose what he has.

He’s in a dour mood in the following days that everyone takes note of it. It makes him feel like he’s going to snap at any moment. And maybe he is. He’s too stuck in his head to reach out and ask for help. As far as he’s come in the past few years, he still has much farther to go in terms of being able to speak of his problems rather than ignoring them.

It’s not hard for the others to catch on to the change in Ryan’s mood. He bristles on contact now, can’t manage eye contact which is usually his tell that he’s not okay and not willing to speak about it.

“You’ve been off since Gavin made his announcement,” Jeremy says. He’s visiting Ryan in his lab on his break during the work day. He makes no motion to stop Ryan as he moves about his work space. “Is something upsetting you?”

An understatement really. It’s a complete disaster in the works and Ryan feels helpless to stop it.

“I’m fine, Jeremy,” he asserts, keeps all emotion out of his tone as he moves back to the microscope and looks at the latest results of his experiment.

“But you’re not though and you know that,” he says. All three of them have the special ability to call Ryan out on his bullshit and make him face facts. But Ryan isn’t letting himself be bothered by it. He _can’t._

“Was it Gavin’s transfer?” Jeremy asks. “Are you worried he’s going to leave?”

“That’s _not_ the issue,” Ryan asserts. The exclamation just burst out of him. Great. He’s shown his hand and now Jeremy will continue to prod at him.

“It is the issue. Shit, Ryan, you don’t think that Michael and I aren’t also worried about Gavin leaving? We are. It’ll be a big change. But if this is what Gavin wants, then I’m going to support him.”

“Are you saying I’m not supporting him well?”

Jeremy sighs. “You know that’s not what I’m saying at all.”

Ryan looks up from his work and with almost an accusatory tone he says, “Then what are you saying? I’m happy for Gavin. I am. This is a big step forward for his career. He should take it.”

“Then why are you acting like this?”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re saying one thing but thinking another.”

Ryan looks at Jeremy and there’s so much concern on his face. But Ryan hardened his heart the moment he left dinner the other night. “I’ve got work to do. Excuse me.”

And Jeremy lets him go.

It comes to a head when Gavin comes to him. Ryan’s on the observation deck when it happens. Gavin enters the quiet, serene space that looks out into the inky blackness of the universe. He comes to stand against the railing that Ryan is leaning upon. The silver bars of his Lieutenant position suits him well, Ryan thinks. He’d look good in a Commander’s gold set.

“My, you’re difficult to find,” Gavin says. He says it fondly, but it makes something curdle in Ryan’s gut. “But you’re nothing if not a creature of habit. Jeremy tells me something’s bothering you. And three guesses it’s probably about my offer on the Queen’s Fire.”

“Will you take it?” Ryan asks, keeps his eyes on the glass in front of him. The glass is probably three feet thick here, curved, heated, and tempered to protect those within from being sucked out into the vacuum of space.

“Haven’t decided,” Gavin says. “It’s a good offer, though. I’d be given my own work team, get to do my own research. It’s a two year position though, and I’m not sure if that appeals to me at the moment.”

Two years.

_I’ve only known you for two years._

“You should take it,” Ryan says. If they’re just acquaintances talking about work place advancement, it’s a no brainer. Ryan would’ve jumped at that position in another life. “Get further in your career, make some new friends.”

“But is that what’s best for us?” Gavin asks. “For me?”

Ryan says nothing.

“If I’m making this choice, I’m going to consider what’s good for me now and what’s good for all of us,” he says. “I don’t want you to think that I’m just going to leave you. Leave what we have here behind us and choose something else. That’s not who I am.”

“I’m not saying that’s who you are,” Ryan says, tries to put words to what he’s feeling for the first time since the news broke. “I just . . . I feel as if I say ‘no,’ then I’m the bad guy. I’m the one who’s being selfish. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to hold yourself back because of us.”

“I’m not holding myself back.”

“Aren’t you? You could do so many great things on the Queen’s Fire. They have a space for you. You should _take_ it instead of waiting for a position to open up here.” He wants what’s best for Gavin and that means that Ryan isn’t a part of it.

“Why do you think so lowly of yourself?”

“I’m not. This, this has nothing to do ‘bout . . . _about me._ ” He’s tripping over his words now. “This is for you. You should thick— _think_ about what’s b-best for you.” Ryan’s not worth it. He’s not.

“So you’re just ready to just give this all up then,” Gavin says.

Ryan nods even though he doesn’t believe a word he’s saying. This is just _logical._ This is the obvious choice. “If you put it that way, then yes.” An alarm goes off on his watch. A message from Lindsay saying there’s a matter in the lab he needs to attend to. “Excuse me. I’m needed in the lab.”

“We’re not done with this conversation,” Gavin says as Ryan walks away.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Gavin,” he says. “I’ve said my piece.”

When he wakes up the following morning, it’s to dread. His alarm has gone off, but there’s no motivation for him to get up. There’s no motivation to doing anything, and he thinks about calling in sick and simply wasting the day away under his blankets. The outside world is not for him.

His door alarm goes off rather annoyingly in succession around mid-morning. He finds it in himself to get out of bed, pull on a robe and respond to it. Michael is on the other side, looks like he’s on the war path.

“Are you dumb or something?” he says and Ryan’s too muddle minded to take offense at his tone. “Why d’you gotta keep pushing people away like this?”

Ryan observes him with an almost bored expression. He’s too drained to be dealing with his and thinks it might be easier if he just cut all ties.

_Cut all ties to what though? What do you really want out of this?_

_I don’t know._

“I’m not,” he says evenly.

“Yeah? Then how do you explain what you’ve been saying to Jeremy? To Gavin? You know Gavin’s already torn up over this whole thing. He doesn’t need you being an ice man over here.”

“Michael,” Ryan says, and the exhaustion hits his voice for the first time in days. “I’m not dealing with this right now.”

“Yeah because you never deal with anything that upsets you ever.”

“No. Because there’s nothing to deal with. It’s Gavin’s choice. If he wants to leave, then I’m not going to stand in his way.”

“And if he stays, does that mean you’re still going to be a miserable bastard?”

“If that’s what you think of me, then why are you sticking around?” The question catches Michael off guard, and Ryan pounces on the opportunity. “I say what I want and I mean what I want. I don’t want Gavin holding himself back because of me, because one day he’s going to regret it and he’s going to regret that he let his emotions decide for him. And if you and Jeremy get opportunities like that, then take it. Don’t tie yourself down because of me.”

“Why do you speak of yourself like you’re some fucking anchor?” Michael says. “I get that I can leave and do what I want, but I don’t because I love you and I love the others.”

“Then you’re a fool just like me.”

He closes the door on Michael’s face. He doesn’t respond to the door alarms or Michael’s frantic knocking. And soon it’s quiet. Michael has gone.

Ryan sinks onto his bed and covers his face with his hands and cries for all that he has lost and all that he has become.

Ryan doesn’t confront emotion—even his own—because he’s such a mess on the inside that when it comes out, it confuses even the brightest minds in the field of therapy. Emotion was beat out of him when he was a child, when he dared to say he would leave Corinthian in favour of the stars when his teachers scolded him for such notions. Emotion didn’t get him through school when he was sixteen years old, years younger than even the brightest any Academy accepted, hazed and always seen as ‘oh, that kid.’ Emotion didn’t get him through the horrible tragedy on the King’s Vengeance when everyone tore themselves to pieces while he was helpless to watch. Emotion didn’t get him out of bed and back into the stars he loved.

Emotion isn’t worth it.

_Then are you saying they aren’t worth it?_

_I don’t know anymore._

They leave him to wrestle with his thoughts and rightfully so. He wouldn’t want to be near him in this state either. He buries himself in his work and doesn’t confront what’s truly bothering him.  

Two weeks pass and Ryan gets the news. Gavin’s taking a position but not on the Queen’s Fire. An exploratory position opened up on a team on Earth. Sixteen weeks with some of the brightest minds in the Astroneer community. It would essentially be a sprint, and it might match up to Gavin’s nature more. Four months instead of two years, Ryan should be grateful, but he’s not.

Ryan gets the news from Geoff not from the others. They don’t tell him.

“Is something wrong?” Geoff asks him one night.

“I don’t know,” Ryan says, and that’s the truth.


	2. Run Two: Emotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan starts a step learning curve for the second iteration of his so-called experiment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally! the conclusion. hmu on tumblr if you'd like to know more. i've got other prompts that i've written about this verse, so i might fix those up and add it to the series.

_“. . . Area 152 is the home of the ambitious new project codenamed Frog Leap. The project is being spearheaded by Director Burnie Burns. Burns began the project with a monumental keynote speech in San Francisco entitled ‘_ Folding Spaces: A Revolutionary Means to Space Travel’. _Burn’s idea is to harness salvaged Qataran technology to develop a means of teleportation devices to move from one place to another. The new technology could connect the outer worlds to the inner ones much more deeply than before and aid in humanity’s fight against the Qataran Republic._

_Heading Burn’s Research and Development team is Lieutenant Gavin Free of the Hunter’s Achievement. Free’s background in biological lifeforms and biomechanics will be used to understand the Qataran technology._

_The project is to last for . . .”_

Ryan stops reading the report and sets aside his datapad. He wonders if some would call him a jaded lover for what he does. He keeps tabs on Gavin—official reports of what he’s up to, his grand new life on Earth. He hears about what Michael and Jeremy are up to in the ship, but seldom sees them. They work in different levels of the ship, and for that Ryan is grateful. He could not bear to face them. Not after how he acted.

Geoff asks him what’s the matter whenever they happen to dine together or play cards. He’s noticed how Ryan is more likely to dine alone or simply take dinner in his lab or his quarters and has invited to eat with him and Jack more often. Ryan doesn’t want to feel pitiful, but he feels as if he’s in a rut he can’t get out of. He’s made himself miserable in life. He reaps what he sows, and what he sowed was discord and heartbreak.

“It’s not as simple as needing a break,” he says, looking at the cards in his hands, the cards on the table, and figuring out the next play as he drones on mindlessly. “It’s a lot more . . . complicated than that.”

He knows Geoff and Jack aren’t pitying him by inviting him here. He’s come a long way in his social abilities and he wouldn’t let himself be pitied by anyone. But he is hurting and he is need of advice at the very least.

“Complicated how?” Geoff says. “Now I may not be familiar with pluralistic relationships—“

“Not familiar but very knowing,” Jack says.

Geoff gives him a sharp look before continuing as Jack smirks down at his hand. “I may not _know_ everything,” he continues. “But last I checked you were happy with them. You were the happiest I’d seen you in a long time and I . . . I just want to help, Ryan. In any way that I can.”

Ryan truly is touched by it. He has few close friends he’d say he truly trusts with his life, and he appreciates all that Geoff has given him. He has given Ryan the chance at a new life, to reclaim a part of him he thought was lost forever after the tragedy of the King’s Vengeance. But it wasn’t just Geoff. It was Michael and Gavin and Jeremy too. They made him feel like he was deserving of everything that he was denied in his previous life. That he could choose who to love. That he could overcome his fears. That he could have everything and be happy. But his own worst enemy is himself at the end of the day. A variable he did not take into consideration before he allowed himself to be swept up by their love.

“I don’t know if you can help,” he says. “But I’ll get through it. One way or another.”

Geoff looks at him softly before smiling a little and nodding. “If you say so.”

At this moment, Jack throws down his hand and says, “Yahtzee! I win!”

“That’s not the call, Jack,” Geoff says.

“Uno, I win.”

“Jack, _no_.”

* * *

If Ryan is more emotionally vulnerable, then it’s a habit of his to work late, find new experiments he can run, new tests he can conduct. It’s not useless. Most of his work is quite valuable, and in his turmoil, he has a veritable stockpile of papers to edit and publish at his whim. It’ll look good on his record and the Hunter’s Achievement when the time comes rather than a mark of his inner turmoil.

It’s at night when the panic begins to seep in. The primal fear of the dark, he assumes. It spurs his mind on to concoct all manner of things. Such as re-examining his last interactions with all of them. The things he said. The things he did.

Things he did not even mean to do or so. It was a moment of irrationality that took hold. Fear that invaded in his mind and turned everything against him. Even of his own assurance that he had a place with them.

He passes now in his bedroom when he can’t sleep. Rolls out a padded matt to lie upon it and meditate. Nothing seems to work, not when his room feels too quiet, too large for him.

_You’ve ruined it for yourself._

_I’m aware._

_Then what are you going to do._

_I don’t know. Nothing?_

_That’s not an answer._

_Then what do you suggest since you apparently know everything?_

_You’re looking at this the wrong way._

_Yeah, and?_

_This isn’t something you can measure or quantify. This is not a plus or minus situation, a reaction you can reverse through simple reduction. Take in the facts as they_ are. _Not as you see them._

_I already know what I see. I see a misunderstanding and miscommunication._

_But that’s not all this is._

_Then what is it?_

_It’s love. Plain and simple._

* * *

After a deep slumber of exhaustion, he wakes to a red room and an alarm.

_“Warning. Evacuation procedures are now in effect. Please report to your designated pod. Warning. Evacuation—“_

_Evacuation. What in the hell?_

He bats around for his datapad and reads up on the latest ship updates. Warp core malfunction. They’re being diverted to Earth’s atmosphere until they can dock up, but until then, emergency procedures are to take place.

“Oh, shit.”

Ryan has an emergency bag prepped, but he does spend a few non-essential seconds grabbing a few items of interest. Books, his datapad, and the glowing plant Gavin found for him on Sorola-6.  He tucks it all away safely into his emergency bag before leaving his room and moving to his pod.

The pods can only care single passengers. They’re capable of some movement, can keep one person fed for a month’s time, and then has the ability of cryostasis. But seeing as they’re quite close to Earth already, they pods will likely be jettisoned to land within Earth’s atmosphere or possibly on the moon’s surface. Whatever happens, they’ll be in good hands this close to an Astroneer station.

He gets himself situated in his pod and straps himself in and goes through all the pre-launch checks as he’s prompted to do. And then he launches and tries to settle in for the terrifying tip backwards and around as the pod tries to find a mark to land upon. He watches as the Hunter’s Achievement putters along closer to Earth. Geoff will likely put it into orbit until some engineer teams can see to it. Considering that there was no real urgency in the halls, it’s likely a small malfunction, no fear of any large explosions.

His pod eventually comes to safely land on the surface of the moon. It was the nearest trajectory and saves Ryan the trouble of a nasty re-entry into Earth. He’ll be here until rescue crews come up. Until then, he’s safely set up in his pod, slightly weightless from the moon’s gravity, waiting for rescue. Should be easy enough. He can use the time to meditate or clear out the cobwebs in his mind.

His navigation alarms chime in, drawing his attention. Several other pods are landing nearby. He looks out his viewport and sees several pods landing not far from him. Two of them come in quite close and he watches as they gently settle onto the moon’s surface. His radio goes off, signalling that the two nearby pods are trying to communicate with him. He opens up a channel.

“This is Commander Haywood checking in. Who’s over there? Over.”

“Oh, hey, Ryan.”

He freezes. It’s Jeremy

“Oh, Ryan’s in that pod?”

And Michael.

The internal pod lights flicker on from across him, and Ryan sees them illuminated in their own pods.

“Good to see you made it,” Michael says. “That was a rough wake up call, I’m telling you.”

“I know,” Jeremy says. “I nearly fell out of bed at that alarm.”

“Hey, do you think we can convince Geoff to change it? Get a petition going?”

“And what, change it to smooth jazz?”

Static slowly fills Ryan’s ears until he can’t hear them talking any longer.

He takes stock of his situation. He’s stuck on the moon. He’ll be here for a few hours at least. The two closest people near his location are the two people who should not be talking to him. They greeted him warmly yes, but there’s no need for niceties here. Not when he treated them without respect or care not three months ago now.

Gods, three months? Has it been that long already?

“Earth to Ryan. You there, Haywood?” Michael says

“Yeah, just . . . just give me a moment.” He scrubs at his face and runs his hands through his hair multiple times. He can’t let himself get worked up over this. It’s not worth it. Just a few hours and they can go their separate ways. It’s for the best.

_Is it?_

_Not helping._

_Sorry._

“Are you okay over there, Ryan?” Jeremy asks. There’s so much care and concern in his voice. Ryan tilts his head back and listens as Jeremy tells him to breathe deeply. The sudden evacuation has disturbed Ryan’s mind like silt in a lakebed. Memories coming up unbidden. Of being left alone on an icy world. Coming back to a crew gone mad, half dead.

And Ryan simply listens to Jeremy as he instructs him to breathe in and deeply. In for five. Out for five. In for five. Out for five.

“Better?” Jeremy asks.

All Ryan can do is make a sound, but it’s a positive one.

“Man, being stuck on the moon _sucks_ ,” Michael says. “I can’t believe this was like the big cheese to ancient humans.”

“You think that flag thing is still up here?” Jeremy asks.

“Oh, I bet they built a monument by now.”

They’re taking the attention off of Ryan’s panic to help him come back to himself. Their concern is touching. He just wishes he knew what to do with it.

“Did . . .” He tries again. “Did you guys get out okay?”

“Oh, yeah,” Jeremy says. “No problems there other than being rudely awakened.”

“I was on night shift,” Michael says. “No skin off my back.”

Ryan nods, which they won’t be able to see, but then they lapse into an uncomfortable silence.

Now, Ryan could do one of two things:

 _Logically:_ stay quiet or tell them he’s turning off his radio to rest until rescue comes. Avoid the unnecessary.

 _Emotionally:_ ask them what he’s been dying to ask.

A part of him knows he’s already compromised. He’s already made his decision, but the experience has rattled him a bit and in doing so has loosened his tongue.

“I-I-I just w-want to s-s-say. _Fuck._ ” Childhood stutter. Comes back when he’s extremely stressed.

“Take your time, Ryan,” Jeremy says, the caring and nurturing one of the three of them.

“Sorry,” he says, and he means it. “Sorry for, for all th-that I put you through. All that I said.”

_It’s a start._

_Shut up._

Both of them are quiet on the other end. Then Michael, the brave and brash, speaks up, “Yeah? And?”

“Michael,” Jeremy warns.

“No. I want to hear it. Guy’s been quiet and locked up in his lab the last three months. He owes us this.”

True. It’s all true, but Ryan feels a little tongue twisted.

“That’s . . . putting it mildly,” he settles on. “Didn’t mean to.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Michael scoffs. “We don’t even know why you went off the way you did. We had an argument and you just decided to cut all ties with us. Is that how you treat your partners, Ryan?”

“N-n-no.”

“Ryan,” Jeremy says, trying to mediate, step in where Gavin usually does. “What we’re trying to say is—“

“He’s right,” Ryan says. “I shouldn’t’ve, _shouldn’t have_ done that to you. You didn’t deserve it.”

Softer this time, Michael says, “Then why did you?”

“Because I was—“

_Say it._

“I was trying to—“

_Come on._

“Because I didn’t want anything to change. I couldn’t help but think everything was going to change if Gavin were going to leave and I didn’t know how to voice that issue without sounding jealous and selfish.”

“Change in what way?” Jeremy asks.

“Two years in a long distance relationship. There’s so many ways that could change everything. Gavin could leave and decide he found someone better on that ship. And things would be different between the three of us and it wouldn’t be the same and eventually we’d all leave.”

It feels good to get this all out there, but the silence afterwards is a bit worrisome.

Michael scoffs. “So that’s why you’ve been beating around the bush for three months? Because you got your head wrapped around a fantasy that might not even come true? Why didn’t you just come talk to us?”

“Because it wasn’t like you’d understand.”

“How can you say that? We’ve known each other for over two years! We’ve been dating for like half that time! And you just threw it all away because your skull’s too thick.”

Feeling wounded and defensive, Ryan snaps back. “You can’t know that for sure!”

“No, but I do know the difference of getting worked up over a tiny little issue and wanting to support my partner in a major life decision! I’m not the type of person to just lie down and take your crap, Ryan. You think that I was going to wait around until you got your shit together? Fuck no.”

“I think if we just calm down,” Jeremy begins.

But Ryan’s too incensed to hear the rest of it. He quickly mutes his side of the radio link and crosses his arms over his chest. His teeth chatter and he quickly checks the temperature gage. It’s fine. He’s just worked up and shaking like a leaf. He uses Jeremy’s breathing technique and comes down from his panicked high until he can think straight again.

_That went tits up now didn’t it?_

_Go away._

_Nah. The gates are finally open. Can’t do anything to stop it now._

He counts up to thirty before he decides to open the radio link once more. “Guys,” he says, voice rough. “I’m . . . I am sorry. Truly. I’ve never had anyone close to lose before. And I guess I just got comfortable to having you around and didn’t accept the idea of Gavin leaving all that well.”

“Yeah, I’ll say.” Jeremy shushes Michael into silence.

“I didn’t mean to close off like that and . . . I don’t want it to sound like an excuse, but I felt as if I spoke Gavin to convince him against the transfer that I’d somehow be holding him back. And I didn’t want our relationship to amount to just that. To just me having everything I ever wanted, but holding you guys there for my sake and not yours.”

He hears Michael huff on the other end. “I kind of just wanted to let you stew in your own misery until you figured it out,” Michael says. “But after the first month, I just figured that you were done with the whole thing. With Gavin moving on, it felt more like a done deal on your part.”

“We still care for you, Ryan,” Jeremy adds. “And we still love you. We just didn’t know how to help you because you seemed pretty adamant against it.”

Ryan remembers all the times on Sorola-6 when if asked if he needed help and would refuse it because he didn’t see the point in it and simply didn’t want to be held up with any of them for an extended period of time. He’s come far but he has still so far to go.

“I guess I’m still a mess,” Ryan says, and wipes at his eyes. “Haven’t changed much.”

“Awww, I wouldn’t say that,” Jeremy says. “You’ve come a long way. We just . . . we need to figure out how to communicate better in the end. Maybe talk about the idea of long distance relationships and what it might mean if any of us just want to step out of the ship for a little while and do something else.”

“You mean, you still want me around?”

“Of course! Why wouldn’t we?”

“Just because we had one pretty nasty fight doesn’t mean that we’re prepared to just give it all up,” Michael says. “We’re made of tougher stuff than that. Isn’t there some guy who says we’re made of stars essentially?”

“Star stuff,” Jeremy corrects. “But yeah.”

“Yeah, so I’m totally a ball of fire on the inside. Ain’t _nothing_ taking out a giant ball of a fire like the sun.”

“That’s pretty gay, dude.”

“I’m just trying to get us back to homeostatus or whatever.”

“Homeostasis, you mean.”

_“You’re a homeo.”_

_“Oh, Homeo, Hoemo, wherefore art thou, Homeo.”_

The two break off into peals of laughter, and Ryan smiles. It’s not exactly fixed, but it’s mendable, he thinks. More so than it was a day ago at least.

Another radio alarm comes in. Ryan accepts it. “This is Commander Haywood. To whom am I speaking?”

“Oh, is that a lovely Ryan? Haven’t heard your voice in ages, boy!”

Relief floods his veins at the sound of his voice. “Gavin. Where are you?”

“Just walked into the area. Now I assume those pods have regulated space suits?”

“Of course.”

“Good! Then get dressed. We’re going for a space walk.”

* * *

Project Frog Leap has been operating on the moon’s surface for two months already. The team at Area 152 has been teleporting back and forth for weeks now and have been cleared to help those on the moon to transport back to Earth safe and sound.

It’s a luxury to be weighed down by _normal_ gravity once more. Once he was checked over by the 152 team, he was given a bottle of water and something to eat. He decided to go sit by the open hangar doors and look out at everything before him.

It’s his second time on Earth proper. The cities are an interesting blend of ancient and modern and it’s the first time Ryan was ever acquainted with Ketchup and Diet Coke. He’s a fan of the latter rather than the former, but Earth has its charms.

Someone sits down heavily beside him.

“Ugh,” Gavin says. “In and out all day. Teleporting is exhausting. I know there are people who say that my work couldn’t possibly be that hard. Because they all say, like, it’s just like opening a door, isn’t it? And then you bloody tell them, no it ain’t, mate. It’s not like opening a bloody door. Your _molecules_ are being transported as a group mass from one point in space to another. It’s not like a door.”

Ryan didn’t realize how much he missed Gavin until now. Until there’s a tear running down his nose which he has to wipe away. Gavin catches the movement.

“Ryan, are you all—“

Ryan wraps his arms around Gavin and pulls him tight. Gavin doesn’t comment on the way Ryan’s shoulders shudder and shake. He only holds him until the moment passes.

“Knew you’d come around,” Gavin whispers.

“I’ve, I’ve realized a lot today—“

Gavin shushes him with a finger to his lips. “I know. We have a lot to talk about, but we’ve both been through a very long day, and I think we should rest up a bit before we talk.” Gavin cups the side of his face and waits until Ryan nods. “There’s a good lad. Now we should find Michael and Jeremy. Get the band back together, eh?”

It’s not as simple as that, but perhaps they need a respite from it all. Tomorrow is a new day with new problems. It won’t be easy patching up a wound like this, but at least Ryan is acknowledging its existence rather than carrying on despite it.

But if there is one fundamental truth to the world it’s this: he loves these three men more than he likes to admit. But maybe one day, he could care to tell them how much they all mean to him. And he could start by simply saying ‘I love you.’


End file.
